June 13th, 2008, 09:11 PM
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#18 (permalink) |
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Veteran Member
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: Port Orange, Florida
Posts: 1,329
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Well, if nothing else, we ought to save a butt load of money after this year. Hampton, Smoltz and Glavine should all be off the payroll and Tex should be gone, too. That ought to free up about $40 mil.
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June 13th, 2008, 09:35 PM
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#29 (permalink) |
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Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: North Topsail Beach, NC
Posts: 1,335
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In an move completely unprecedented in the history of professional sports, the entire Braves organization, from the GCL Braves of the rookie leagues to the big league team in Atlanta, retired today.
Perhaps the most surprising development was the retirement of the players on the disabled list, who were being paid while not playing. With their retirement, they have now forfeited the remainder of their contracts. Said first baseman Mark Teixiera, disabled since late June after ingesting e. coli-tainted blood while swimming, "You just don't know how far this thing is going to go. Is it only going to affect the active players, or is just suiting up enough? We just decided it wasn't worth taking the chance." This is the culmination of a series of bizarre injuries that have afflicted the club. Catcher Brian McCann's season ended when he broke his arm at the All-Star game after tripping on a frog. Shortstop Yunel Escobar had a severe allergic reaction to a gnat bite, and is out indefinitely. Second baseman Kelly Johnson's lung was punctured when he was attacked by a rabid antelope. Starting pitcher Tim Hudson is recovering after a bout of Mad Cow's Disease. Rightfielder Jeff Francoeur has unexplained boils that have left serious scarring, and his skin is currently unable to stand the sunlight. Pitcher Jorge Campillo was injured in a freak thunderstorm, when he received a concussion from a large hailstone and received severe burns from the fire that was mysteriously falling simultaneously with the ice. Closer Rafael Soriano has a damaged trachea after choking on a chocolate-covered locust. Outfielder Gregor Blanco stubbed his toe in his home so severely while attempting to make his way to the bathroom in the dark that it had to be amputated. And that's just the tip of the iceberg. Star third baseman Chipper Jones, who has torn a muscle in his leg, been hit in the face with his own batted ball during batting practice, and seen his Texas ranch burn, killing all of his livestock, told this story: "Man, this is just something like I've never seen. My wife keeps telling me to repent, that I must have done something wrong. I keep telling her, I haven't done a thing. Man, I haven't even been in a Hooter's since we met. And it's just getting eerie around here. There was some guy in the clubhouse the other day we'd never seen before. Weird looking dude, long fingernails, eyebrows that stuck way out, smelled like rotten eggs. Anyway, guy actually had contracts he wanted us to sign, said he'd make our bad luck go away if we did, and he didn't want anything we'd miss in this life. I don't know what his game was, but you know that was leading to him getting cash for some voodoo spell or something down the road. I hope none of the younger guys fell for it." Jones, pitcher John Smoltz, and the rest of the older Braves are gathering together in a joint venture to buy land on which to build a reinforced underground nuclear bomb shelter in which they plan to install hermetically-sealed plastic bubbles. They intend to place all of their first-born sons into these bubbles until such time as they feel enough time has passed for it to be safe for them to come out. On the advice of their attorneys, they have also hired tutors for the children of school age so that there will be no problems with the authorities.
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That corpse you planted last year in your garden, Has it begun to sprout? Will it bloom this year? Or has the sudden frost disturbed its bed? If it wasn't for my horse, I wouldn't have spent that year in college. Last edited by Snowman; June 14th, 2008 at 09:59 PM. Reason: Out, damn'd typo! |
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