FanHome - View Single Post - Asterisks, windbags & fools in high places

nanwynnfan · August 6th, 2007, 06:11 PM

Just for a moment, let's put ourselves in the place of a MLB player, Hiram Spaatz, a 6'1" 160 pound, 24 year old OF, bats left, throws right and just called up when Fay Vincent's memo hits his team's GM desk.

Spaatz is a good fielder, makes contact, hits around .280; but in the OF, the club would like more power than Spaatz, who generally hits 12-14 HR per year.

The GM on this club is a middle-of-the-roader: nothing in writing but covering the bases. He calls a meeting.

"Guys," he says,"the Commissioner's office has sent each club a memo. They want to crack down on illegal substances and they are adding steoids to the list of prohibited substances. It looks like the Commissioner really wants a crackdown here, which could put users' careers at risk. Be advised."

Now Homer Spaatz is not established and he's a worrier as well. But, he just got his shot. A coach advises him, if he's worried, to see Gimp Gilkerson, an independent trainer.

Gilkerson hears Homer's tale of woe, asks if there is any testing or screening, asks what official notices are posted in the clubhouse and what threats are made in writing.

"None," says Homer.

"Take this, it's a nutritional supplement, as directed on the label. Keep this stuff to yourself, keep your mouth shut; keep to your workout routine, and I think you'll be happy with the results."

Homer keeps working out and starts taking Gimp's "nutritional" supplement. He still hits around .270 -.290 but from here on, he cranks out 20-25 HR's a year.

He heeds Gimp's advice and keeps his supplements at home, wherever that is on the road. He occasionally gets nutritional upgrades, newer improved versions of his supplement as Gimp advises. He never asks for details, because he likes the results and has no worrisome ailments not common to an athlete. He may be a bit edgier than usual; but he figures that goes with the job.

In 1998, Homer is 31 and 185 pounds has lost a step or two and watches in awe as McGwire-Sosa battle it out. Homer hits 24 that year, out with minor, nagging injuries. By 2004, he'll be out of the game, apparently never having been tested [at least he's never been challenged in any way] and coaching at a junior college back home.

1. Is Homer Spaatz a cheater?

2. If Homer is ever called by George Mitchell and says he never took steroids, is he a liar?

3. If Homer asks a Mitchell field interrogator why the question was raised; and the interrogator replies:

a. Look at these tapes of you at play in 1991, skinny as a rail, 14 HRs;
b. Here you are a year later, a little bigger, what 175? 22 HR's
c. Look at this, at least 185 pounds, see- it's right there on your Topps playing card, 185#
d. Here you are in 2000, 37 HR ... and look at your head!

4. Is Homer insane to ask, "What's wrong with my head. I have an IQ of 135."
"It's your hat size!"

5. Is Homer wrong to end the interview with, "What are you, a haberdasher? I never took steroids; I never cheated; and I only took what my nutritional trainer recommended to me."

Is Homer not only a cheater, but also a prospective perjurer?

August 6th, 2007, 06:11 PM	#60 (permalink)
nanwynnfan Senior Member Join Date: Nov 2006 Posts: 2,579	Just for a moment, let's put ourselves in the place of a MLB player, Hiram Spaatz, a 6'1" 160 pound, 24 year old OF, bats left, throws right and just called up when Fay Vincent's memo hits his team's GM desk. Spaatz is a good fielder, makes contact, hits around .280; but in the OF, the club would like more power than Spaatz, who generally hits 12-14 HR per year. The GM on this club is a middle-of-the-roader: nothing in writing but covering the bases. He calls a meeting. "Guys," he says,"the Commissioner's office has sent each club a memo. They want to crack down on illegal substances and they are adding steoids to the list of prohibited substances. It looks like the Commissioner really wants a crackdown here, which could put users' careers at risk. Be advised." Now Homer Spaatz is not established and he's a worrier as well. But, he just got his shot. A coach advises him, if he's worried, to see Gimp Gilkerson, an independent trainer. Gilkerson hears Homer's tale of woe, asks if there is any testing or screening, asks what official notices are posted in the clubhouse and what threats are made in writing. "None," says Homer. "Take this, it's a nutritional supplement, as directed on the label. Keep this stuff to yourself, keep your mouth shut; keep to your workout routine, and I think you'll be happy with the results." Homer keeps working out and starts taking Gimp's "nutritional" supplement. He still hits around .270 -.290 but from here on, he cranks out 20-25 HR's a year. He heeds Gimp's advice and keeps his supplements at home, wherever that is on the road. He occasionally gets nutritional upgrades, newer improved versions of his supplement as Gimp advises. He never asks for details, because he likes the results and has no worrisome ailments not common to an athlete. He may be a bit edgier than usual; but he figures that goes with the job. In 1998, Homer is 31 and 185 pounds has lost a step or two and watches in awe as McGwire-Sosa battle it out. Homer hits 24 that year, out with minor, nagging injuries. By 2004, he'll be out of the game, apparently never having been tested [at least he's never been challenged in any way] and coaching at a junior college back home. 1. Is Homer Spaatz a cheater? 2. If Homer is ever called by George Mitchell and says he never took steroids, is he a liar? 3. If Homer asks a Mitchell field interrogator why the question was raised; and the interrogator replies: a. Look at these tapes of you at play in 1991, skinny as a rail, 14 HRs; b. Here you are a year later, a little bigger, what 175? 22 HR's c. Look at this, at least 185 pounds, see- it's right there on your Topps playing card, 185# d. Here you are in 2000, 37 HR ... and look at your head! 4. Is Homer insane to ask, "What's wrong with my head. I have an IQ of 135." "It's your hat size!" 5. Is Homer wrong to end the interview with, "What are you, a haberdasher? I never took steroids; I never cheated; and I only took what my nutritional trainer recommended to me." Is Homer not only a cheater, but also a prospective perjurer? Last edited by nanwynnfan; August 6th, 2007 at 06:39 PM.